Tolerance

Times are getting tough.

Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.

But a bad economy does not justify discrimination.

Burglars are people too.

Grandma

My grandma is great and I love her, but she's useless and I hate her. She can't even push her own wheelchair for Christ's sake, let alone for my sake.

I wanted to buy her an electric wheel chair, but they cost upwards of a whole bunch. So instead I opted for an electric walker.

It's not so much an electric walker as it is a gas powered walker. And it's not so much a gas powered walker as it is a gas powered lawn mower.

Now we're both more independent, and Grandma is less useless.

Logic

IF:

1.You are what you eat. 2. poop is fertilizer. 3. The Pope exudes Catholicism.

AND:

A. Trees eat fertilizer. B. "The Woods" is made of trees. C. The Pope poops in "The Woods".

THEN:

The trees in "The Woods" are Catholic.

AND THEREFORE:

"The Woods" disagrees with Native American beliefs.

See, everything is the way it should be. The way Mother Nature wants it.

Crack in the wall

There's a big crack in my bathroom wall. I always get this feeling like there's a camera watching me poop through it.

I'm probably just paranoid.

So Romantic

For my girlfriend's birthday, I told her I'd pay for the lame tattoo she always wanted. I also secretly planned to propose to her in a super-romantic, extra-memorable fashion.

I slipped the tattista a hundred dollars and we came to an arrangement.

Bitch said no.